I Failed.
It’s January 20th. How are you?
I’ll be honest, I’ve already encountered some failures in 2022 and it’s not even the end of the first month. First, I applied for a position I was really interested in and wasn’t even granted an interview. Feels bad. I started wondering what I did wrong and what was expected of me. But it doesn’t help to dwell on these things right now, I can try again next year and reevaluate my strategy.
Right around the same time, I gave up on one of my New Year’s Resolutions. If you read my other post, you’ll remember that my intention was to integrate a monthly habit into my schedule. For January, I wanted to write 100 words every day. Simple, or at least I thought it was. At some point over the past few days, I just stopped. I know it’s cliché, but it’s the perfect example of a resolution that doesn’t last.
We never hear the stories of the losers, and there’s a reason why: they make us sad. We see ourselves in the failures, and it just doesn’t make for a good story. But the stories of defeat are important because they show us that it’s okay to fail, and they also make us value our successes more. I want to walk you through why my goal crumbled apart, and what I’m doing to improve.
My Goal Wasn’t Personally Meaningful
The first thing we need to do when we fail is to stop and trace back to the source of the problem. When I planned this resolution — to write just a little bit every day — my intention was to accomplish two things. First, to get back into the habit of journaling and to help me organize my thoughts and feelings. Second, to improve my creativity and writing skills. Although these are things I consider important, this wasn’t the best way to go about it.
I lacked purpose and structure, and I really need those for my life to work. When I picked up my notebook, there wasn’t anything I was inspired to write about. Even though I only needed to write 100 words, it still felt like a task, and I often struggled to reach that target. I didn’t use any prompts, and writing about my day got repetitive quickly. When I journaled in the past, I always had something to write about. Even if it was something small, there was always an important person, event, or joke that I needed to mention.
I made another huge mistake, which was to leave these words for the evening. It’s 10 am right now, I know that I write best in the morning, so not doing that with this challenge was a major blunder. I noticed that once I lay in bed I would remember “Oh! The writing thing!” and then I’d try to write something up before dozing off. Sure, it fulfilled the main purpose of writing, but not in the way I envisioned it.
Learning From My Mistakes
Now that I know what went wrong, it’s easier to figure out what I can do to make things right. First, I need to recognize the need for creative breaks. If I don’t feel inspired to write every day, then I shouldn’t force myself to do that. In time, I fear this will only make me resent writing. Some people will disagree with me, and say that we shouldn’t wait for inspiration to do things, and they’re probably right. For tasks like medium or a novel, it’s not good to procrastinate, and getting out of writer’s block does require some unpleasant experiences. But if my intention is to enjoy writing and to write about the self, I need to be in a good headspace.
This ties into my second lesson, which is to write in the morning. There’s something relaxing about being in silence with a notebook or my computer and allowing my thoughts to flow freely. I don’t worry about assignments, the state of the world, or the fact that my ring doesn’t fit anymore. I don’t hate myself for procrastinating an article because it’s still morning and I have the whole day ahead of me.
What next?
I still plan on writing, but I don’t want it to feel like a chore. From now on, I’ll journal if I feel inspired to, if there’s something specific I want to write about, or if I find a good prompt to guide me. If I’m not writing for fun, then I’ll have to write for another purpose. Either I’ll add to one of my Medium drafts or I’ll work on my creative writing project.
I also want to start something new. For the rest of the month, I’m going to practice gratitude. There are at least three things to be grateful for every day. Today, I’m grateful that I finished this article, I’m grateful for my health, and I’m grateful for my family who loves me. This is a good habit to have, especially since I’m in a shitty headspace right now. Let’s see if this one sticks for more than a few weeks :p
